| square pegs and marathons |
[Dec. 6th, 2009|09:32 pm] |
after the half marathon on saturday, i booked myself an hour long deep tissue massage (which i highly recommend). In the lobby of the "spa" (use that word loosely) to which i had walked in very slowly, a man told me that he would never understand why people do "those things". I can't answer for everyone...i can only answer for me. we live in a pretty competative world, incase you haven't noticed. But, i've always been a square peg in a world of round holes. I was the girl who, though i loved to win, could feel the dissappointment of loss weighing heavy on my opponents' shoulders. I was the one who might cry (no tebow jokes here) even if we won. just one of the ways, i never seemed to fit in. luckily, i was taught early on that fitting in wasn't necessarily my job...
back to marathons...there are many different reasons why someone may choose to do it. for me, i have a goal, and my only real competition is me. i remember that after the first year of the memphis st jude marathon I called home and my nephew, levi, answered the phone. I told him that i had just finished and he said "did you win?" i said, yes. and i meant it. bc for me, losing would had been to not finish, crossing hte finish line, was winning. i probably should have corrected him when he told others though...
last saturday, i beat my own time, that was my only goal other than finishing. while it wasn't as fast as i'd hope, there's peace in knowing that i can do better. and i will.
wait, that's not my point. when i finished, i went to shower, then through food line, then i hobbled to my car several blocks away. by this time, almost an hour had passed, on top of the almost three and a half hours since the start of the race. as i drove to my massage, i got to pass the the runners and walkers doing the full marathon as they rounded their last curve. I remember one man limping toward the finish line as blood ran down his leg, a couple holding hands and walking very slowly while talking quietly to each other, a woman crying as she ran...they all had different reasons for registering for that same race. different goals, different victories. in that moment my role changed, i honked my car horn and yelled "looking good :) you can do it! you've got this!!! "
marathons are little micro-worlds. sometimes you are the runner, sometimes you cheer others on. sometimes you are searching for inspiration, sometimes you are inspiring others.
somewhere around mile 6 or 7, we ran through st jude's hospital campus. doctors, nurses, family members, patients were there to root us on. there were signs and balloons and smiling faces. one sign said "if hannah can do her treatments, then you can do this" and there was a picture of a little baldheaded hannah. and suddenly, i remembered being back in panama, safe in my hotel bed, knowing that familes were still walking home from the medical clinic...some were not even half way home...if they can do that....
so why do i do it...i'm weird. and i always learn something. this time, while i was reminded that i should actually train for a half marathon i register for because if you don't then it will hurt. I also learned a little bit more about our human condition and compassion and God and life. and, ultimatly, i'm better for it.
now if you will excuse me.. Celtic Woman is on PBS and this is generally when i pull out my violin/fiddle and pretend to play while dancing around and slinging my hair like the woman on there... tonight i will be a little slower, unable to jump as high, but jump i will.
did i mention that its a lot more fun to be a square peg if you just embrace it??? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2009|11:36 am] |
did you know that rape is NOT illegal in some places?
did you know that there is still discussion over what is "torture?
did you know that some people still think it is okay to hit another person when in disagreement?
did you know that for most folks it is still more important to be RIGHT than to learn to live together peacefully?
why is it that as technology improves--gets faster, better, more efficent--humanity doesn't seem to move forward at all? |
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| it's been a while! |
[Nov. 30th, 2009|12:39 am] |
i don't know if anyone even checks this anymore...i forget to update. i was randomly checking a friend's blog today and saw where it said that i had updated 14 weeks ago. that's a pretty long time. a lot has happened; during the last 14 weeks i have:
--attended four funerals
--attended three birthday parties
--attended two manna and mercy retreats
--lost another 22 pounds (bringing the total to 38)
--became a vegetarian
--visited a childhood friend for the weekend.
--went to panama
--housesat for three different families
i guess i could go on, but it's not that exciting of a list. The point is that time is flying by...I can't believe that its almost december! and that in another month it will be 2010. WOW!
My dad and i searched my old highschool yearbooks the other day looking for a certain girl's picture. It was funny to read the messages folks wrote for me. I wish i had a nickel for every "stay the way you are" that was written in there. Private jokes that i don't remember. And, word to the wise, sign a yearbook with your actual name, because people may not remember your nickname...no matter how cool you think it was (who was "nasty" or "boris"???it took me a while to figure them out.)
Okay, i guess there was a reason i named this blog "my ramblings" because that's pretty much all i've done. I was trying to make myself sleepy since i am on call and was all keyed up when i got home from the hospital. i should be in bed, but alas...wide awake. maybe some day, i'll actually give more thought to my updates, until then...
-- |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2009|10:09 pm] |
for the last 12 and a half years, arbo has laid on the floor of the laundry room next to my bedroom door. Protecting me in his own way. guarding my safety in his dalmation mind. ready for the early morning pat on the head. He chose the floor over his bed because it was closer to me. during hte day while i was at work he would rest in more comfortable spots. in the winter, he would lie on the floor next to my bed, my constant companion, my friend. NEVER FAIL he greeted me with unconditional love and was ALWAYS excited to see me! He could sense my mood; he read a good mood as time to play or walk, and if he sensed that i was down, or sick, or angry, or tired, he would place a paw on my leg and lay his head in my lap.
He laid his head in my lap for the last time tonight, and he kept it there pretty much until his last gasp for breath. only leaving that spot for the occasional confused stare into my face.
I gotta say...I AM SAD! this may seem silly to anyone who hasn't had a dog like arbo, but i am pretty devasted. no matter what the world has dealt me, he has loved me and i am convinced that that is what God created dogs for...to teach us about unconditional love!
such good memories! he helped me out of bed so many nights under the guise of "going out to use the bathroom" but i know that really it was for star gazing. we did that a lot when we lived at camp lee and allgood (oneonta suburb). he loved to chase me on the fourwheeler and eat dairy queen ice cream. we were once in the piedmont christmas parade together by accident, but he loved all the kids waving at him. and i know all about the life expectancy of a dalmation and how blessed/lucky i was to have him this long, but that doesn't make tonight any easier.
so, RIP sweet arbo! you were the best! the perfect dog for me! |
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| it's been a while! how have you been? |
[Jul. 30th, 2009|02:12 pm] |
omg! summer is coming to an end. all of our overnight groups for the joe rush 2009 summer season is gone. today will be our last day group for a while. It kind of flew by! a big shout out to THE interns: tori and john carl!!! they made this summer easy...though i'm sure they know that i know it wasn't really EASY. but by "easy" i mean that i could actually go home at night and trust that things were okay. and by "easy" i mean that i could give them an address and a map of the house that needed painting and it would actually get painted. I mean that i knew they could handle whatever situation came up and that they knew when to call me. I heart them! and they could come back any and every year that they wanted to...only i know that there are much bigger, wonderful, meaningful things in store for them. (dang it, BOJ!!)
the end of the summer always makes me want to purge my house and office of all things unneccesary. for the last few days, i have gone through box after box and file after file in my office. it feels so much better to have less stuff! (i know, i 'm wierd) One thing that i found was a "bucket list" of sorts from when i worked at Camp Lee circa 1998. hahahaha. i laughed, i cried, i blushed. But, i am pleased to say that in the last 10 years i have completed six of the 15 items on the list... and i was able to remove two more due to sheer stupidity on my part at the time of the list. 'nuff said about that.
purging: good for the soul!
i am also pleased to say that it feels like things are moving in the right direction as far as the intentional community goes. This past year I had to take a "class" for ordination and in that class we had to do our genograms. that is kind of like a family tree, but starts with you and goes up through the past few generations and it goes a step farther in that you have to mark or make note of relationships within your family. It helped me see what i really already knew: that i come from a natural community. That's what i'm use to and love. it is what i grew up knowing and it gave me the strength to go wherever i felt called to, but i miss it and my soul longs for it. I love "going home" and believe it to NOT BE PERFECT but it is a glimpse of the kingdom.
anyone interested in joining???
phebe (urban ministry receptionist who i love and adore) quote for the week:
(while talking on the phone) well, where are the rats coming from?
peace! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 8th, 2009|01:09 pm] |
this weeks sermon title (the church on my way to work):
Know Thy Frenemy
tyra banks must be so proud. |
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| i HATE the brookwood mall radio shack |
[Apr. 2nd, 2009|01:11 pm] |
I'm feeling a little weepie today. i'm not sure why, i just know that when i saw a lady who looks a lot like my mom handing out free samples at chick-fil-a, i wept. it was a pretty ugly cry too, the kind where people stare at you, not sure whether to run the other way or ask if you need help. thank goodness my car was not far away.
i feel like i'm walking on ice...what's that about? i'm tired, and am working an epiphany this weekend which means i will not be able to sleep anytime soon. Lord help the salesperson at radio shack when i attempt for the third time to return the stupid tv antennae that they sold me. i have to go back, again, on monday...cryptic story i know, but if i get into it, i may start crying again...and none of us want that, right? |
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| home again home again, jiggity jig |
[Mar. 31st, 2009|08:56 pm] |
what a crazy week! this time last week, i had just gotten word that i would indeed be ordained a deacon this annual conference. It was hard to be happy though, not all my friends will be standing there with me... i don't know what else to say about that...it's been a long time coming.
in the midst of those interviews, we had a large youth group at urban followed by a group from birmingham southern on their alternative spring break. two great groups! the youth finished more houses than i ever dreamed they would so i was so excited that we finally got to one house on our list, she had been waiting a long time. she had some repairs that needed to be done before we painted, but she was supposed to come home on hospice (they were trying to get her well enough to travel home) and i wanted her to come home to a new, bright house. the house she had dreamed of... she didn't make it. she was such an amazing woman. i know that she's not caring about her house now, but i wish i'd been able to give her that gift.
so i was really happy to be heading out of town for a few days. i was glad of the reason, i'd signed up for a school of conversion and would be going to koinonia farm in south georgia to study "christianity as a way of life". i've wrote a little bit about it but i will say that i believe that most of the folks there still believed me to be "the quiet one" and didn't know if my name was dep or deb or anything else. but a few did :)
i have stories, but i can't process them yet.
i will say that i feel like God has handed me a bag full of clay labeled "community" and i've gotta wedge, throw, and pull this clay into something... just waiting to figure out what it will be...but my prayer is that it will be beautiful, useful, and point to God. When i was taking pottery classes, i would have to look at the clay and visualize what i wanted it to become. the idea sometime changed in the process, but the vision was important...
friends, want to join me?
oh, and on the way home, i'm pretty sure i passed jimmy carter as he turned in his driveway, oh happy day :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2009|10:00 pm] |
so, we're wrapping up our second month, er, day at koinonia. it's been long but its been good. it's just so out of the norm. there are parts of this weekend that have been so inspiring and i've been able to glean off the wisdom of seasoned community members; and then i come back to the room to hear a group of students laughing at the expense of others and sterotyping (negatively) in hurtful ways...figure it out, people, it's not that hard. i guess i'm no better if i hole off in a corner and blog about them...i guess we're all moving on to perfection :)
today we learned about the plurality of YOU in the bible. the english language doesn't translate that aspect so that's how we get that "jesus in your heart" view of Christianity. There's nothing wrong with inviting Jesus into your heart, but it doesn't stop there...
it finally stopped raining. the stars are so bright! and the frogs are so loud. I went for a walk and stepped on a chicken. that's not meant to be profound; it's just a fact.
aight. i'm heading out to a bonfire :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2009|09:53 pm] |
oh my goodness! i just realized that today is the 15th anniversary of the torndado that lifted my church off it's foundation, shifted it about three feet before sitting it back down. the same tornado had just leveled a church down the road, our sister church, and injured many of my friends and family and had taken a few forever. that's surreal to remember. i had just mentioned it on my walk from the chapel to a new friend whose house was destroyed last year by a tornado. wow...
i remember that strange feeling in the air that morning. it was hot, but the wind was cold. and there was a strange yellowy tint to everything
i remember that hannah, levi, and elizabeth were all in their pumpkin seats as we ran down the stairs to the basement...just a few months old. i wish they were here, i would give them a hug.
alan head was our minister and i was sitting with his and missy's son zach, who doesn't even know who i am today, but we were best buds then, especially that day.
i remember the feeling of coming out of the church back into the light...it had gotten so dark in the middle of that storm. it felt like a war zone.
it was a life changing day. |
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| first day at koinonia |
[Mar. 27th, 2009|09:17 pm] |
it has been a long day. i got up this morning and went for a swim. that is my most effective form of meditation and on days when i don't get to the pool, i feel it spiritually as well as physically. so, knowing that i would be spending a storyteller's dream weekend but an introvert's nightmare weekend, i thought it best to do at least 25 laps. once i was good and stress free, i hit the road. it is 205.2 miles from my house to koinonia farms. it felt like 2005 thanks to the rain and traffic. i also forgot the pesky time change so i arrived later than expected, but still half an hour before the first formal gathering started.
we introduced ourselves, watched "briars in the cotton patch, a history of koinonia farms", ate dinner, worshipped, and listened to three speakers. jampacked in a laxidascial kind of way.
when i registered, they had misspelled my name. (which is pretty common) but they had spelled it Dep, which is a new mispelling. :) i kept it that way for the first session, just because no one knew any different. i really like being anonymous. i can ask all the crazy questions that i want, i can be 'the quiet one' (at least for a little while), and just sit back and observe this incredibly diverse group of people.
i am learning alot...but i believe that any time you are with people and you allow yourself, you will learn. but i came here to learn about living in an intentional community and helping to discern what that means for me. i'm getting a better understanding....
there's this one kid here who thinks he has all the answers, i've learned from him that none of us have all the answers. he talks really loudly, but listens very little, and has single handedly already alienated three people with his remarks. once, right after an amazing girl (who has been traveling around living with different communities and "learning to completely trust God" for the last 10 months) mentioned having a gay sister and how cruel the church had been to them both, this kid says "well, i love several gay people, i mean, i tell them how wrong they are and my teaching and convictions kept them from being ordained (in what denomination i don't know) but i told them that their judgement is from God, not me"
what? What?? WHAT??? no, that's not judgemental.
let's just say that i'm probably not know as the "quiet one" anymore... |
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| i am an advertiser's dream |
[Mar. 12th, 2009|08:55 am] |
it's no secret how i hate the yella fella and his gawd forsaken commercials. they are ridiculous! how in the world is acting like a bad ass and having a barroom brawl persuading me to purchase treated wood??? i don't understand it. i HATE it!!!
but this morning i was watching a commercial about a certain soy breakfast/snack bar that actually made me want one so bad that i later found myself holding a box at the local pig... what's the problem you may ask? the problem is that i've tried said bar and i HATED it. it tasted like cranberry tinted cardboard and it crumbled to pieces in my mouth. i actually spit it out. I should have also been tipped off by the fact that someone regularly donates a huge amount of said bar to Urban. People generally don't think "wow! i love this bar! i'm going to donate them to a food kitchen" I wish they did think that way but alas.
anyway, knowing that i have tried them and hated them, i still found myself giving them another try because of the commercial. the lady standing on the mountainside eating her healthy bar and loving life...i wanted that. i'm a sucker
luckily, i came to my senses before i made it to the check out line.
in just a little over two weeks, i'll be attending my first "school of conversion". i'm more than just a little excited. i don't really know what to expect but at the same time i expect great things... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 6th, 2009|11:48 am] |
my calves are sore! i went to a aqua fit class last night! it was great! i'm only a little worried that i'm this sore and i'm signed up for a bike clinic tomorrow. They're going to teach me how to ride a bicycle :)
earlier this week, i went to the bike store (which shall remain nameless) to get a gift certificate for a friend's birthday. it was a wild trip! when i first walked in, a man who was standing there greeted me and asked how i was, i wrongly assumed that he worked there. after a pretty long conversation about a couple of bikes, i inquired about the gift card and he said "oh, i don't work here."
then a guy came out and said "can i help you?" this time i knew better so i asked him if he worked there, he said yes so i asked him about the gift card, and he said "well, i can't do that, I'll get someone who can" hmmm
finally, darb (names have been changed to protect those involved) came out to help. we talked about life and politics while she prepared the gift card (it is apparently a complicated process). I told her that i was signed up for the bike clinic this weekend. to which she replies "oh i'm worried" i said, "why, do you know me?" never missing a beat she said, "no, but last year only 30 came and this year i have 70 signed up"
then she asked about what kind of bike i had, i told her none. so she wanted to show me a couple. the next thing i knew this sprightly septugenariat had jumped on this bike and it wobbled, teetered, and then crashed to the floor. she did jump up quick.
the thing is, she's leading my beginner's group in the morning.....
say a little prayer for me... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 1st, 2009|11:17 am] |
has anyone seen the movie "the visitor" besides me? it is heartwrenching. it's about love and deportation. that sounds weird, but it's true. another story about how you never really know someone...the person at the desk next to you, in line in the grocery store in front of you, walking toward you in the park...until they let you know them. they told this part of that story in a pretty amazing way.
it's still snowing. i got up at 5am and went outside to catch a flake on my tongue. then went back to bed. so i get a free movie day. ironically, i had planned on going to get a bathing suit today. i joined the rec center at uab so that i could swim again...i miss the water so much!!! i get my best prayers in when i can get into the rhythm of a the stroke. that and painting (a room not a picture)
i think i'll take my dog for a walk...while i still can... |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2009|04:22 pm] |
my dad's birthday was last friday. i asked what he wanted. he told me listerine. that is either very very sad, or the definition of "contentment".
i got him some...blue. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 21st, 2009|11:20 pm] |
please! Please!! PLEASE!!! tell me that you saw the news story about the lady whose boyfriend tried to shoot her and the bullet got stuck in her weave. Her quote: "i've had it for years. I've invested a lot of money in this weave, but i never expected it to save my life!!!" i am so happy!
my latest life irony: i got some aveeno ultra calming facial moisterizer to add in the taming of red skin. i'm allergic...my face is REALLLLLY red. ooppsss.
So the church on my way to work (as if there's only one...we're in alabama, i pass maybe 10) but you know the one i'm talking about...anyway, they haven't posted any sermon titles lately, but this week they are advertising "the adorable children's choir to sing this sunday" WHAT?
shout out to megan!! we're gonna be on the amazing race! i'm speaking that into the universe so that it will come true...oprah would be proud.
aight! i just fell asleep typing this...i'll take that as a sign that its time for bed.... |
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| i'm warning you...this could turn into a rant |
[Jan. 27th, 2009|02:06 pm] |
now i'm all for your right to make a buck if you want to...i'm not even going to dictate what you do with it (cough cough send to urban ministry cough) but WE are out of control. Name brands on clothes...go ahead. want a better cell phone...you should be able to shop around. Hey, you want to spend that much on a car...whatever. But the quality of healthcare that i receive should NOT be based on what i make!!!! Nor should it be based on whether or not i have a job or a home. BUT IT IS!!! I say this knowing that right now i'm pretty safe. I've got a bank account and a wallet which has within it an insurance card. Any hospital would love to have me fall ill or become injured. They would treat me, probably with the best medicine available.
YOu can call me a socialist all you want, but i should not be treated any better than anyone else who is sick or injured!!! "Oh now that doesn't happen".... yeah right! I know three. not just one, not just two, but THREE people (who therefore represent probably hundreds) who have been JUDGED unable to pay so they were put in a taxi cab (paid for by a local huge hospital) and sent home or to ambiguous destinations and left there. They were not well, two had lifethreatening illnesses, but they were discharged with charts saying claiming clean bills of health. That is just wrong. and obviously, when left to themselves, hospitals don't make the right decisions, they make money decisions and lives are lost all the time.
Drug companies should be ashamed charging exaggerated prices for medicines that could save lives just because they have a patent. that, to me, is inexcusable!!!
rant over...
for now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 19th, 2009|12:22 pm] |
I'm at work waiting on some students who are volunteering today for MLK day. I ran by the "not quite as evil empire" (target not walmart)on my way here. I painted all weekend and it allowed me to go get pleasures like a sweatshirt and toothpaste and a new watch :) since i got paint all over my old one.
ANYWAY, as i was leaving, there was a gentleman heading out the door the same time as me. He was maybe in his early 50's, African American, wearing a grease covered sweatshirt and jeans. But, the first thing anyone had to notice about him was his smile. He was beaming! He was talking to me so fast i could barely understand him, but the gist was that he was so excited that he was going to work. he said he knew a lot of people had today off, but he was so happy to have a job he would go whenever they asked him. As i stopped at my car, he switched to telling me that if i was going a certain way on the highway, then there was a policeman waiting there to clock speeders and wished me a nice day. He was still sitting in his car when i pulled off. i felt bad for a moment, because i had complained about having to work today... As i got on the 459 on ramp, i saw blue trooper lights flashing close to where he warned me...for some reason, it touched something deep inside of me. I started crying. i've been on the verge all day, i guess it's MLK and Obama inaugaration excitement mixed in with a little mid winter blues. I just thought how precious that he wanted to warn me, such a random act of kindness. i've said it before, people are precious.
on to another topic all together...don't discount the spark. you know what i mean? I met a guy the other day and we hit it off. I don't mean that I was looking for a relationship or had any expectations. It was just a surprize and it was nice. When i say "hit it off" i mean that it was immediately easy to talk to him; there was lots of laughing, but no fear to touch on real life either. for about an hour, we talked. It was cold out so i couldn't do the obligatory "ring check" so the safe bet was to assume that he was in a relationship. and he is. Two days later, I go on a blind date. He's a perfectly nice human being, but the conversation is strained. Now i'll talk to the wall, so the conversation flowed, but it wasn't the same...Both of these gentleman, I hope, I can now call "friend".
my grandmother always complains, saying that i'm too picky, and that's why i'm alone. i just don't think the spark is too much to ask.
and i know you can't trust the spark alone...i've wasted several years compromising who i am for the wrong guys. you know, hidden speedos and such... deal breakers lurking :)
and speaking of the speedo...for those of you that don't know. i once broke up with a man because he wore a speedo at the beach. I know! it makes me sound like a horrible person. and maybe i am, but when i look back i don't regret that decision at all. It was more than the speedo, it was that i was caught up in a relationship and couldn't see it for what it was. It was fun and romantic, but we would've made each other miserable. Both good folk, just not right for each other...it happens. and thank God the speedo opened my eyes :) for the record, i don't regret the relationship either.
now THAT was a tangent!
so let us turn our thoughts today (back) to Martin LUther King
and recognize that there are ties between us.
all men and women living on the earth.
ties of hope and love
of sister and brotherhood
and we are bound together
by the tasks that stand before us
and the road that lies ahead
we are bound
and we are bound.
I have high hopes today. I am completely caught up in the sense of hope and change and possibility that culminates in tomorrow's inaugaration. and i know that not everyone sees it like i do...
I hope that you get wrapped up in hope too. I hope that you meet someone today that reminds you in the preciousness of life. I hope that you make a new friend. i hope lots of things, but the point is that I hope. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2009|02:51 pm] |
today during lunch i went downtown with a group of other folks to hold signs opposing the death penalty and pass out information regarding that issue. This is NOT a post about that issue...i'll save that for another day. Its a post about thinking about what you say. For example (or should i say, for a bad example) the man in the van driving by who yelled "you commit a crime, you should die". wow! hope he doesn't break the speed limit on the way home...retribution is tough in his world!
by the way, it's cold outside! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2009|09:11 am] |
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i just noticed this business this morning. it's on my way to work. close to the church with the "curse of ham hocks" sermon title (must be a series since there's usually a new title by now)ANYWAY, the business was "Dexter's Bail Bond and Carwash". hahahahahaha |
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